Unwanted Emotions

We are made in the image of God and we are, as the word of God tells us “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). In this making of us, the Lord added our senses, our feelings and emotions, He gave each one of us a specific personality and character traits, all this as a way to show His excellencies. The human body is something to marvel at, doctors can attest to this. The fact that we are made in God’s image tells us that much of how we feel is not new to our Father. He is the Ancient of Days after all, and He knows all things. Unfortunately, we don’t always understand our feelings and emotions as they can come in the most unexpected way and at odd times. As a matter of fact, some emotions are unwanted, like grief. It takes us time to even grasp what is happening to us unlike God who knows exactly what is going on because nothing ever takes Him by surprise. Today, I would like to write an ode to my earthly father as a way to honour him and navigate this unwanted emotion that grief is. My prayer is that this ode brings you to a deeper relationship with God.

I was fortunate to grow up in a household where the fear of the Lord was evident. My parents recognized the supremacy of God in their lives and lived in such a way according to their understanding. Growing up, I never saw my parents argue, they never spoke ill about friends of theirs with whom they disagreed or even family members, at least not before us kids. Grown up conversations were off-limits to us kids and it was usually in our mother tongue which we did not speak well. Every now and then I would step into their room while they were having grown up conversation and they would change the subject and find out what I wanted. As is the case with a typical African family, kids know their place and so probing is not done. I loved my father, not just because he was kind but for many reasons that I will hopefully touch on throughout this post, one being that he never rejected me. Every time I needed him, or called or reached out, he was there and when he wasn’t able to respond, he would get back to me. So, in my books, he always showed up. He was also a provider, making sure we had all that we needed. He was gentle and patient with us, and I especially loved when he helped me with school work, particularly with science subjects such as math and physics. He was an excellent teacher, able to explain complex concepts in simple words. He was a very smart man in my opinion. He was the good cop and mum was the bad cop (I love mum for being the bad cop, somebody had to be it). He had a way to make you at ease even when you had messed up that was just peculiar. I remember an instance when I came back from school with a bad grade (very surprising I know lol), a fail to be precise. I was dreading home that day because I knew how much education was important to my parents and I was feeling horrible that I let them down. To this day, I am not sure why I did so poorly, but it’s an experience that I’m grateful I had. I gave my report card to my dad in tears, waiting for my sentence and he held me tenderly and told me that it was okay. Similarly, my mum, who would usually be the first one to scold or give a punishment in such instances was so gentle and compassionate I was taken aback. That incident marked me so much yet both parents today do not even remember it. Well, as you may imagine, the next report card, I passed with flying colours! My older sister who’s the brightest had never gotten such an overall high grade!

Fast forward to my university years, my dad sent me abroad to pursue higher education just as he did for my other siblings. I did not have a scholarship; dad was my scholarship so I finished school without any debt. During that time, he never failed to ensure I had means to live. I knew it was difficult for him to provide because of the high cost and my siblings were in similar situations so I made it a point to always be working during summer when school was out and I soon as I was able, I made sure to help out. As much as our studies put a financial strain on him, he never complained, he saw it as a privilege and his duty to do so and forbade us to even worry about such things. While abroad, he called regularly, always wanting to know how I am doing and it did not matter if there was a silly thing that was bothering me or a big thing he was equally invested. He would send me documents on what to eat for my health, tell me how to save money, talk to me about how to address my supervisors and present my work to them, I mean, my siblings and I had it all in a father. As a public servant, dad occupied high profile roles in the administration, representing Cameroon to the world in the field of Telecommunications. We loved it when he went on a work mission trip because he would always come back with goodies (candies, chocolate, you name it). He is the one who introduced us to Swiss chocolate. He had a great taste for clothes; he often bought our clothes himself and they were always a hit. He always came back from a trip with something from the place he visited and so he shared his experiences with us in that way. I remember a book on Cape Town in South Africa and one with folkloric Acadian songs on Canada. Of all these, what touched me the most about him was his many words of wisdom. Truly God used him to impart wisdom on us as we were growing up. When a situation was difficult, he always went at the feet of his heavenly Father and the Lord always showed up. He faced backstabbing, hatred from some and other challenges but the Lord delivered him from them all (Psalm 34:19). Indeed, the word of God is true. One of his last life challenges was being away from his wife and everything he knew and not being able to occupy himself or put the many ideas he had to work. Yet even in this difficult situation, the Lord sustained him, He provided family and friends that came through for him, through their love and support he saw God’s love (from the bottom of my heart, thank you to each one of you who played a part in that). During that time, dad occupied himself by reading. He loved to learn so he would read materials on finances, investing, and before that he had read some of my postgrad books. As a matter of fact, just to show how much of a learner he was, years prior to being in Canada, while visiting my sibling in Germany, he began learning German on his own. My sister tells me that he went out one day to a store to find a tool needed to fix an issue in the house. My sister, still learning the language herself at the time did not know how to call the tool in German nor did she know where to get it. Yet, my dad went out and got the tool that was needed to fix the house. Clearly, he knew enough German to do that! That was dad for you. As you can sense, there was much love in my household and peace. There was providence and when you add my mum’s hospitality to it, you know it is a household you wanted to be in. This degree of love and care my parents had for us, they had it for the many children they supported. Dad was very quiet, and he was not a man of emotions. I never saw him cry, never. Don’t know what that was all about but he never did. (My mum would know if he cried behind doors, but nothing ever transcribed outside). Another aspect of my dad that was quite remarkable was his desire to ensure the wellbeing of the other is not tainted by his actions. He hated it when in a relationship one was using the other for their personal good, he wanted freedom for all. He was a proponent of peace, always willing to make amends. As a proud African man – yes, that would have been his main fault – he just wanted people to get along. Whatever the issue, he was willing to sacrifice to have peace. That was also the advice he would give us, and he would say to seek peace even when we are not in the wrong. I don’t think I often understood this way of life, but I did my best to obey, and I never regretted it. And I don’t believe he did either. There is so much more I can say about dad, but time would not permit me however, here are three things his life taught me about God and my relationship with Him: 1) God is love. The love, care, and acceptance I got from my father made it easier for me to know God loved me, to know I could come to Him, to know He would provide for me. I saw the failings of my earthly father, but my heavenly Father never fails. He is perfect in all His ways. 2) God wants to participate in our life. He is so concerned about your life that He gave His one and only Son, Jesus, so that you would have eternal life (John 3:16). It cost Him His son, and He wants all of you. My earthly father couldn’t keep up if I gave him all of me, but God can, and He cannot wait for that. Jesus is waiting for you at the door, don’t miss the opportunity of a lifetime to know this great love. 3) My confidence is in the Lord. Because I was affirmed by my dad, there are very few things in life that shake me and I believe, it is the same mindset I brought when I became a child of God, I knew He was trustworthy, and I could put my hope in Him. I have full confidence in Christ, knowing that He does not fail. I can trust His words and what they say about me. I know I have a high propensity to not fear which I believe is a God given gift, but I also think it is because I did not grow up in an environment where my confidence was tarnished or where I did not have a say or where I was not validated.

What I am saying to you today is that it does not matter how your dad was or how he is, you can have what I have now in Christ. God is extending His arms to you, He wants to be your Father, He has made a way in Christ Jesus and He is calling you today. So today, “if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts”. Repent of your sins and come to Him, He will transform you and fill whatever void you have in your heart as He is doing for my family today. So, join me, would you?